


shadow on sunshine

by sarangway



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, Opposites Attract, Suicidal Thoughts, jinjin is struggling, mj is sunshine, this is very angsty and emotionally heavy so please be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9451625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarangway/pseuds/sarangway
Summary: Jinwoo didn’t want to be friends with Myungjun, he didn’t want to cast a shadow on sunshine.(please read the tags!)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vonseal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vonseal/gifts).



> it's currently 2am. i just proofread the last part i wrote, so i apologize if there are errors!! i should fix them eventually.

                Jinwoo wasn’t sure if he was going to survive to the end of the year, and he really meant that. He spent his days indoors, blinds shut, headphones in. He ate maybe a meal a day, and he was dehydrated from crying. In short, he was entirely done with existing.

                It was a gradual thing – starting in middle school. He found himself straying from his friends and family, preferring to stay alone. He started getting headaches from the crowds and feeling like he was pointless to the conversations. He started feeling incompetent, worthless.

                His parents tried to talk to him about it, bring him to therapy, but when he entered high school he refused to talk to anyone. His teachers knew, and accommodated kindly for him, and his classmates barely knew he was there. It was better like that, Jinwoo decided, since he would never get in anyone’s way. He didn’t want to be any more of a bother than he already was.

                He didn’t mind, he swore to himself, and sitting in the back of his classes was manageable. If he could hang in a comfortable space for a while, he could try not to think about the incessant thoughts in the back of his mind. It wasn’t too bad, either, and he had been able to make a few decisions that led him to rethinking how temping the edge of that bridge was, or the bright lights of the nearby car. Jinwoo wasn’t doing well, but he was _dealing_.

                But that was all life was, holding out until the moment that you didn’t have to anymore. Jinwoo had just found his out a lot earlier than his friends and family, which led him to wonder why they all waited. No one wanted to discuss this, of course, so he just kept to himself and others left him be. Sometimes people tried to talk to him, like that one girl that invited him out to coffee.

                She was sweet, he could see that since she invited him at all, but he wasn’t fit to be friends with her. He just sat at his table, stirring his iced coffee without taking a sip, the sound of clinking ice the only thing shared between them. She asked him, “What would you like to talk about?” to which he answered, “Death.”

                That was the last time he talked to her. Still, she was nice.

                Jinwoo was fine with his situation, he assured himself, even when that transfer student came into the room with a bright smile and shining disposition. Even when he let himself be encased by the growing aura of joy around the boy, the bouncing in his feet and grin forcing Jinwoo to be unable to look away. He was, simply put, the polar opposite of Jinwoo. Like a moth to flames, Jinwoo’s eyes followed him from when he walked in to sat his bag down and stood in front of the class. The teacher walked in a few moments after that, giving the boy a warm smile and indicating for the class to quiet down. To Jinwoo, they were quiet, because he was too focused on the new boy.

                “Alright, this is a new student.” She gestured at the sunshine boy and he grinned back, waving at the class. Jinwoo could tell everyone else was drawn to him because they all quieted down immediately. “Could you introduce yourself?”

                “I’m Kim Myungjun. I’m from Nowon and I’m eighteen years old.” He sounded very sure of himself, too, not looking up at the teacher when he was done but just scanning the seats to find one for himself. Jinwoo tensed, knowing that the only open one was in front and next to him. He looked at the teacher, pleading that he would catch her eye. Myungjun pointed at the seat in front of Jinwoo and grinned again. “I’ll sit there.”

                “Ah, well-” Before the teacher could object, he made his way and plopped right into the seat, turning to hold out a hand for Jinwoo to shake. He stared at it and back to Myungjun’s face, looking at him like he was crazy. Myungjun just shook the air instead, turning to poke the girl in front of him and shake her hand too. “…well, okay. We’ll be going over the essay from yesterday, take out your notes.”

                The rest of the day was weird, to say the least, especially since every time he looked up he noticed Myungjun staring at him. The worst part was that when he noticed him staring, Myungjun didn’t look away. Instead he just smiled and waved, causing Jinwoo to duck his head and keep walking faster. He didn’t want to be friends with Myungjun, he didn’t want to cast a shadow on sunshine. He wasn’t going to be responsible for breaking a heart.

***

                Home was easier than school. He went straight to his room after a mumbled hello to his mother, letting his dog follow him into his bedroom and closing the door behind him. He then closed the blinds and bundled under blankets with his dog next to him and computer on his lap. Sometimes he put in headphones, but that was only if it was loud. He couldn’t deal with it being loud, so he drained it out with music. Right now, his therapist was giving him a new idea, music therapy. He gave him a playlist of upbeat songs and told him to listen to it at least once in between their next appointment. He had an appointment tomorrow, and he hadn’t listened to it at all.

                The first one was alright, but as it got louder he got more anxious. Eventually, he shut it off completely and stared at the ceiling, the dog whining to be pet. He was tired today (he always was, though, and his therapist said it was normal), but he was sure that it was because of that new boy. _Myungjun_. What did that name mean? He bit his lip for being so interested in this boy, but looked it up nonetheless. “ _Spiritual, helper, intuitive_.” Jinwoo closed the tab, deciding that this was a waste of time and he had to do homework. He was never concerned about homework before, but he ignored that.

                Maintaining focus was hard lately, the words blurring together to whisper that he could never understand and it was too hard, and that he should give up. He tried his hardest to ignore it, and could muster a few assignments a week, but more often than not he would give up and give the teachers a weary shrug when they asked. He was sure that if his parents hadn’t forced the school to be kinder to him, the teachers would punish him for being the total loser that he was. He understood that he deserved it, and always saw the envious looks that the others would give to him. It was the same look as when the girls would whisper “ _I wish I was that thin_ ”. Jinwoo didn’t. Jinwoo wished he could look at a plate of food and get excited like he used to, instead of getting nauseous.

                One of the times he wished it was at lunch the next day, walking into the classroom and seeing everyone eating with their friends making him feel dizzy. He had managed a piece of toast this morning, but he was pretty sure that was it for the rest of the day. They all looked so happy and carefree. Jinwoo sat in his seat, covering his head with his hood and resting it on the desk. He heard a loud high-pitched laugh and a shuffle of new people coming in, then the desk suddenly shifted a little bit and he felt a finger rest on his hand. He didn’t move in the hopes that whoever it was would stop, but instead a sing-song voice greeted him. “Jinwoo-ah~ are you sleeping in class?”

                He tensed up, staying still. Myungjun giggled a little and seemed to turn away, a piece of paper being tucked under his hand. He waited until he heard the teacher come in to look up, his eyes falling on the paper and looking up at the back of Myungjun’s head. He pulled it out from under his hand, the paper a bright blue that hurt his eyes a little. All that was scribbled was, “It’s okay to be sad.” Jinwoo stared at the paper in disbelief, not sure where Myungjun had picked up _sad_ , but it surely didn’t sum it all up. He couldn’t ball up the paper and throw it away, though, so he tucked it into his pocket and turned his attention back to the lecture.

                The lecture was over entirely too soon, and when he looked up from packing his bag he saw Myungjun inches from his face. He stopped, breath getting caught in his throat. After all, Myungjun wasn’t just the embodiment of sunshine when it came to personality, it was his face too. He whispered a barely audible “excuse me” and Myungjun moved back a few inches. He didn’t want his tired and weary face to be anywhere near Myungjun’s.

                “Do you want to come to my housewarming party? I invited the whole class.” Myungjun beamed expectantly, waiting for him to say yes. But Jinwoo wasn’t going to, and he just stared at him without replying. Myungjun was _tiring_. “It’s on a Saturday so it’s not like we have school or anything.”

                “No.” Jinwoo said this shakily, his eyes averting in case he had offended Myungjun. He had to shoot him down before he expected anything.

                “That’s okay, next time then!” Myungjun didn’t waver, however, and he bounced off just as if he had said yes.

***

                He knew that today was when the clubs were introduced for the year, many of the popular students already running for class president, a few people telling Myungjun that he should run too. He just shook his head with a smile, but every time he heard that he would look back at Jinwoo. He just furrowed his eyebrows in reply, unsure what Myungjun was hinting at and not entirely caring to know. Whatever it was, he wished he was invisible.

                The teacher rattled off all of the clubs, and Jinwoo’s attention was only on the boy in front of him. Would Myungjun join a club? He would surely have to avoid whatever club he joined. He had been an avid supporter of the Going Home club as of late, but his therapist told him to join something that required focus in the hopes that he could find interest in things again. That idea was scaring him, especially since clubs had so much dedication outside of the actual activities.

                “Ah, I can see you two are in the clouds.” The class giggled and it jolted Jinwoo’s focus, his eyes trailing to meet the teacher’s. “Jinwoo, Myungjun, you two can take the gardening club.”

                Jinwoo felt the anxiety close in around him, knowing that if he was in a group with Myungjun and _only_ Myungjun, he had no way of avoiding the boy further. And he seemed to catch on to that once he turned around and gave him that blinding smile.

                “You two can get the key for the toolshed from the janitor after school today.”

                Jinwoo used to like the janitor, he was a very nice older man, but now Jinwoo didn’t like him anymore. After all, he was the one who handed over the key to Myungjun and gave Jinwoo no way out of this. Myungjun was smiling the whole time and Jinwoo had an idea that he was enjoying this, especially in the way that he was skipping down the hallway and skidding around corners, stopping every few moments to look back at Jinwoo and wait for him to catch up. “Jinwoo-ah, have you taken care of plants before.”

                “Um…” Jinwoo took a moment. Before he became too uninterested, he used to like buying small plants and keeping them on his windowsill. Now, unfortunately, the disinterest with depression had made it boring and made him unable to keep any focus. He felt guilty when the plants started dying, so his mom took it and kept them in the kitchen so she could remember to water them. They were still alive now, thankfully, and Jinwoo wished that he wasn’t such a failure so it would have been because of him. “Not really.”

                If he had said yes, Myungjun would have expected him to be able to take care of them wholeheartedly. “Seriously? I’ll have to teach you. I have like twenty plants in my room. They’re mostly succulents, y’know the little cactus plants? They’re super easy to take care of, you don’t even have to water it.” He ran up the first flight of stairs and waited at the top of the platform. “You know what? I’ll bring you one to borrow.”

                Jinwoo would have rejected the idea if he hadn’t been so focused on how cute it was that Myungjun was rambling on about his plants. Besides this club forcing him to be around Myungjun longer than necessary, they were probably going to stay after school at least for an hour, which would force him to walk home and make him even more tired than he already was. Extreme fatigue was one of the symptoms that he had lately, and if he didn’t go to bed immediately after coming home from school he found himself feeling sick.

                Myungjun was the opposite it seemed, he was bursting with energy the second that he left the classroom. It was impossible to keep up with him at this pace, and he didn’t make an effort to slow down other than occasional stopping for Jinwoo when he was too far behind him. Little things like this just confirmed to Jinwoo that it would be impossible for him to be friends, even if he was so adamant for force him to be. Myungjun was babbling on about the sky and how he always wanted a dog to name sky, until he got to the roof door. It had been locked when school was over, but the key ring the janitor gave him allowed them easy access.

                “Al _right_! This is such a big roof!” Myungjun tucked the keys into his pocket and ran to the edge, Jinwoo’s stomach reeling when he stood on his toes and looked over the railing. He gestured for Jinwoo to come over and he hesitated, remembering that the last time he had gone to the edge of the roof he had other intentions. He went over nonetheless, gripping the cool railing tightly as he pressed his lips into a thin line. Jinwoo was feeling dizzy from looking at the fast cars and tiny people, his throat constricting at how easy it would be to chuck himself over and just end –

                A soft hand jolted him out of that dark space, another one joining it and placing themselves on his cheeks. Myungjun was squishing his face and furrowing his eyebrows, forcing Jinwoo to stare into his eyes instead of at the street. He felt a warmth that started from the tips of Myungjun’s fingers and seeping into his brain and dispersing the good thoughts, a warmth that was unfamiliar but comfortable. Myungjun kept his gaze steady, waiting for Jinwoo to let out the breath he had unknowingly held before let go.

                “It’s okay to be sad.” Myungjun took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I care, Jinwoo.”

                Jinwoo’s eyes furrowed even further, his heart squeezing. He hated this, he hated guilting people into ‘reminding’ him that they cared. He bit his lip and cringed back, removing the hands from his face. He didn’t say anything to Myungjun, instead closing to bolt down the stairs and to his way home, his heart beating too fast and his eyes tearing up too quickly.

***

                “Good afternoon, Jinwoo.” His therapist gestured at the chair across from him, a plush armchair that he was all too familiar with. “How has your week gone?”

                “I met someone new.” He blurted it out before thinking about it, lowering himself into the chair and focusing on the man in front of him. “His laugh is really charming.”

                “Jinwoo!” The therapist smiled at him, setting the notebook aside and leaning in to focus on listening. “Tell me about this boy.”

                “His name is Myungjun.” He said it slowly, starting to feel unsure about if he could share such a personal thing. “He’s like…the sun.”

                “The sun?”

                “He shines really brightly. When he enters a room, everyone turns to look at him. And his hair is like…orangey? Like a soft brown.” Jinwoo wrung his hands out. “His eyes are really beautiful too, and his smile is just…really captivating. I wish I could take a picture of it because I feel like it would help me so much.” Jinwoo smiled to himself, a tiny smile that, despite it being so faint, hurt a little since he hadn’t used those muscles in so long. “He’s really nice.”

                The therapist took a moment before he moved to grab the notebook, writing ‘Myungjun’ and a few notes about who he was and his relation to Jinwoo. The therapist liked to track a lot of things, and meeting new people was one of his favorite things to track. He always wanted to hear about every little interaction with them, so he began grilling Jinwoo on every word they had exchanged and how each had reacted. When he mentioned the ‘I care, Jinwoo’, his therapist’s smile grew wider and he nodded as he closed the notebook.

                “I think you found your hobby.” Jinwoo wasn’t sure if it was medically possible for a heart to skip a beat, but he really didn’t care because it just happened. The idea of his therapist prescribing Myungjun was giving him a rush of anxiety, his throat tightening and his heart beating faster. “Jinwoo, you’re going to be friends with Myungjun.” He leaned in again to grab a blank notebook from under the table, taking it and writing “Myungjun Journal” in big writing. He set the notebook on his lap and stood up, holding out a hand. “You’ll write in that every day and turn it in each week.”

                “Ah, but-”

                “Good luck, Jinwoo!”

***

                He really needed luck, he realized as he clutched the notebook so close to him that he could absorb it. This mission was harder than any other one his therapist had suggested, even when he had to spend the whole day at the beach in the sunlight (that was hard since he got migraines). Myungjun was already bouncing between planter boxes, watering the tiny leaves that just barely sprouted out, gently tapping them and whispering kind words. As strange as it was, he was the most intimidating person Jinwoo knew right now. He kept watching from behind the door, his breath stopping when Myungjun stood up suddenly, turning to look at him and point his shovel.

                “You’re late, you punk!” His scowl was more funny than scary, the pout making him look like a dork. “Is this how you treat your sunbae?”

                Jinwoo sure didn’t remember calling him sunbae, and his eyebrows furrowed in result. The notebook was clutched closer to him now. “I’m sorry.”

                “Sorry doesn’t cut it! Help me name the babies.” With that, he went back to crouching by the tiny plants, gesturing for him to come next to him. “This one is Sanha. I named him after my cousin.”

                He had a cousin, Jinwoo noted. He would write that in his Myungjun Journal. They crouched down together, Myungjun pointing out different types of plants he knew and which were his favorite, others being ‘nowhere near as cool’ and ‘kinda ugly if you asked him’. He didn’t know that anyone could feel so strongly about a pile of leaves, but Myungun seemed to find every detail as an important quality. Maybe that was how he lived life so brightly, because he busied himself with finding reasons to.

                The rest of the day was easy, Myungjun chattering on, sometimes leaning over the edge and making Jinwoo feel sick. They weeded the garden together, and sometimes when their fingers brushed against each other, Jinwoo felt a little bit of his sunshine lace through his veins, but when he moved, the coldness was back like before. This was frustrating.

                “Yah, Jinwoo-ah, look at me.” His head turned to look at the boy, a tiny flower plopping on the top of his head. He just stared, bewildered, as Myungjun grinned. “Wooah! You look cute.”

***

                His walking was urgent, a quick paced matched with a determined face that probably made him even more unapproachable than usual. But, he really _had_ to get to his therapist quickly, there was just so much to say and ask about. Why was Myungjun so nice to him? Why did he make him so anxious but also so calm? Was Myungjun maybe supernatural, an angel of sorts?

                The door was pushed open aggressively, the receptionist looking dazed, especially since she knew about Jinwoo’s current state and understood that this much excitement wasn’t exactly standard. He didn’t notice her, though, and walked directly into the therapist’s room and sat down on the couch, anxiously rocking as he waited for him to come in. It took a few minutes, and the second he walked in, his mouth already blurted something.

                “Myungjun makes my heart beat really fast.”

                “Hello, Jinwoo.” He sat down in his chair, taking a moment to open his notebook and look him over, writing a few things down about his appearance.

                “He makes me feel really disoriented and every time he touches me it’s like every bad thing about me disappears.”

                “I see,” The pen was moving as fast as Jinwoo’s mouth. “Go ahead. Let it out.”

                The rest of the appointment was Jinwoo telling him about every single detail about Myungjun, how the sweet sunshine was from his eyes, how when he laughed the flowers would gravitate towards him, how when he talked about his hobbies literally nothing else mattered to him. How the world quieted when Myungjun talked, almost like everyone knew that everything he said was too important to miss. It was like peace, the quiet hush of leaves rustling to keep even the silences between them comfortable. His therapist was kept rather busy, documenting what he said quickly and trying his hardest to keep up.

                “…and he has beautiful hands.” Jinwoo let out a breath he didn’t realize he had held in. “So, I’m gonna stop talking to him.”

                The therapist cocked an eyebrow, his pen stopping. “Why so?”

                “Because I’m a nuisance-”

                “Positive language.”

                “I’m too amazing.” The sarcasm soaked his words, but his therapist still smiled. “Either way, I can’t do this anymore. After hanging out just _one_ day I realized how wholesome and pure he is. I’m the opposite. He brings the sun and I shy away from it.”

                “What you shy away from is confrontation, Jinwoo.” The book was closed before Jinwoo could protest, the date signed off and it tucked under the table. “Do what is best for you Jinwoo, but please.” He stood up and walked over to the door. “think of Myungjun as well.”

***

                Jinwoo hated that. He really was thinking of Myungjun, that’s exactly why he didn’t want to be his friend. If they got close, if he _opened up_ , he would force Myungjun to live his life in misery and sadness. He was – as he could say now without his therapist getting upset – a nuisance.

                But talking was a lot different than practice, and forced him to freeze when he made his way to the roof, Myungjun weaving a flower crown of the tiny weeds he had picked. He was focused, a miniature bracelet adoring his wrist as well. He was so soft, the sunlight falling on him and causing his eyelashes to cast tiny shadows. Jinwoo’s hands were shaking as he made his way on the rooftop, the anxiety engulfing him. _This was better,_ he convinced himself, _Myungjun doesn’t need you._ But, even if he didn’t need him, maybe Jinwoo needed Myungjun.

                His trance was broken as the flower crown was gently set on top of his head, Myungjun’s fingers lingering for a moment. Jinwoo’s focus was recalibrated to meet Myungjun’s, a bright smile just reaffirming that he really needed to let go of him. He didn’t have the right to keep a fantasy any longer. “Myungjun-ssi.”

                “You’re late again!” He chattered over his name, hands resting in his hair slowly dropping to his shoulders. “I weeded the garden already, though. I guess it’s okay you came late since this means you get a crown. We’re the kings of the garden, by the way.”

                “Myungjun-ssi.” Jinwoo’s voice was barely a whisper, his voice trembling. “Let’s stop talking to each other.”

                “Yah, do you take me for a fool Park Jinwoo?”

                “Myungjun-ssi, you don’t understand –”

                “Listen, you selfish punk.” Myungjun removed the flower crown, placing it on his own head instead. “I don’t care what you want! We’re gonna be friends! The best of friends, in fact. Actually, I told someone I wasn’t going to their dumb party because I’m gonna hang out with you. This Friday. We’re gonna hang out.”

                “ _No._ ” Jinwoo flinched back, surprised at his own words. He never thought this was going to be so difficult. “No. I’m going home.”

                He turned on his heel, the hot tears filling his eyes. He wished they made him blind, because seeing Myungjun’s face when he said no was something he wouldn’t forget. He heard a whine as Myungjun started to cry, the door behind him shutting aggressively.

***

                He resigned from the Gardening Club right after he stormed out, knowing that if he stayed any longer he wouldn’t be able to deal with seeing Myungjun. The teacher looked a little confused at the request, saying that she was sure they were getting along wonderfully. Jinwoo just told her that his mental state was too bad for this, and she quickly excused it. But, it proved to be quite the opposite.

                Just over the next few days, Jinwoo’s condition grew worse, his fatigue making him bed-ridden and his eating habits poorer than ever. He was, to his family’s dismay, withering away quickly. None of them could figure it out, but Jinwoo caught on quickly, understanding that the sunlight that had kept him going was now gone – leaving him in the dark. It’s okay though, at least Myungjun wasn’t here too. As long as he could continue being the kind boy that Jinwoo saw him as, his life would be wonderful.

                And when he finally recovered enough to go back to school, he found himself easily contradicted. The second he walked into the classroom, Myungjun let out a high-pitched yelp and would have tackled him if Jinwoo hadn’t stepped back. “Jinwoo! Where the hell were you? I was so worried!” Myungjun regained his balance and grabbed his cheeks – what was left of them – and frowned. “You look so sick! Did you come down with something?”

                Jinwoo flinched away from the touch, prying Myungjun’s fingers from his face and walking to his desk without exchanging a word. He didn’t need to know it was more than a cold, he didn’t need to know anything because they weren’t friends. Friends got to discuss this, not Myungjun. He had a laser focus on his hands, laid on the desk in the same way he kept them the whole year. He saw Myungjun sit down, his eyes glued on Jinwoo until class started and he had to turn back around. Why was he so persistent? Why did he make this so much harder than it needed to be? Myungjun was popular, he didn’t need Jinwoo.

                The rest of the school day dragged on like as it used to, but even harder since Jinwoo was still so physically weak. His schoolwork wasn’t excused either, the principal getting sick of having to deal with Jinwoo and using an excuse of parents complaining to say the week he missed had to be made up. He spent the entire night on energy drinks and coffee, trying to keep any last trace of energy, until he had finished it all and collapsed. It made sense why he had almost fallen asleep in class.

                But he had made it though, walking through the gates at a quickened pace. He turned the corner a little too fast and stumbled, his hand luckily meeting the wall in time to allow him to regain balance. It took a moment, and he heard someone tear down the sidewalk and skid to a stop behind him. His suspicions were confirmed when the person talked, “Jinwoo! You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?” Jinwoo pushed off the wall and continued walking, hearing the unrelenting steps behind him follow closely, but Myungjun never stepping up to stand next to him. “I’m gonna go home with you, then.”

                Jinwoo was tired, surely, but he was getting more tired of Myungjun and his incessant friendship. He ignored him, still, hearing him patter on behind him, commenting on the things he saw or how close he was to school, or how his hair looked nice from the back, did he style it today? Jinwoo kept his lips shut, however, and kept walking determinedly. After another ten minutes, however, he arrived at his house and Myungjun was still behind him. He unlocked the door and sighed, letting himself in and closing it behind him. After he made his way halfway up the stairs, the doorbell rang and his mother opened it.

                “Hi! I’m Kim Myungjun. I’m from Nowon and I’m eighteen years old.” His sunshine smile was charming Jinwoo’s mother from the second she opened the door. “I’m Jinwoo’s friend, may I come in?”

                He prayed the hardest he had every prayed, to every god he ever heard of, even Greek mythology, but apparently, it was everyone’s day off because his mother let Myungjun in without a second thought. She turned around to call Jinwoo but caught his eye, smiling widely. “Ah, Jinjin, your friend is here.”

                “Jinjin? Is that a nickname?” Myungjun bounced at the exciting personal information, his eyes darting around at the baby pictures on the walls. “Wooah that’s so cute! Do you mind if I use that?”

                “Oh, of course. Here, why don’t you go upstairs with Jinwoo, I’m preparing some dinner now.” Myungjun grinned and nodded, running up the stairs and sprung up to Jinwoo’s door, waiting for him to open it. If Jinwoo’s life wasn’t difficult before, having a boy he was trying to avoid now sitting on his bed was a little difficult. He was mad at his mom, and he hadn’t been for ages, but he was entirely justified considering his mom is ruining what he’s trying to accomplish.

                Myungjun rocked around on his bed, his eyes meeting Jinwoo’s and grinning. “Hello. Are you going to talk to me now?”

                “Why are you here?” Jinwoo rubbed his eyes, moving to close the blinds and darken the room. He had a migraine before, but had a feeling Myungjun would exacerbate it. “I’m really doing this for you, Myungjun-ssi.”

                “It’s not for me, I never asked for it.” He got off the bed and looked around, glancing at the journals Jinwoo had neatly organized, the years on the binding dating back five years prior. Jinwoo noticed Myungjun staring at the journals. “What are these?”

                “Notebooks.” He managed to close all the blinds, hanging his backpack on the hook and taking out his binder and textbooks. He still had a few tests to retake, and the studying was going to be brutal. He deserved it, though, since he couldn’t just stop being a bother and recover. He heard his parents talking last night, saying that he wasn’t improving and they didn’t know what to do. They discussed the therapist – it wasn’t his fault, he was always so patient with Jinwoo – and even school. But Jinwoo knew the problem was _him_ , and no one else.

                Myungjun sat quietly as he studied, playing mindless games on his phone and glancing up every once and a while to check on him. Jinwoo was focused, more or less, but did admit to glancing back when he caught the reflection of Myungjun’s smile on his laptop screen. But he would always get caught, forcing him to look back at his notes and pretend that he didn’t just stare at him. A knock at the door interrupted their awkward dynamic, his mom peeking in to tell them that dinner was ready. _Dinner_ wasn’t a good word for Jinwoo, especially lately, but his mom still said she would bring it upstairs.

                Myungjun enjoyed his meal, gulfing it down the second it was handed to him, a million compliments falling from his mouth. Jinwoo stared at his plate and cringed, his fingers curling around the chopsticks but not moving them. Myungjun stopped eating and finished what was in his mouth, staring at Jinwoo and frowning. He had picked up that he wasn’t eating after a few seconds, and was entirely confused, especially when the food was so good.

                “Jinjinnie, come sit here.” He patted at the bed and waited for Jinwoo to listen. He hesitated, getting up and sitting next to him. Myungjun picked up some rice and held a hand under it, holding it out for Jinwoo. “Say ah~”

                He frowned, meeting Myungjun’s eyes and looking down at his hands. _It wasn’t that easy,_ he told himself, _he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t eat-_

                “Jinwoo.” Myungjun’s tone grew darker, holding out the rice with a more serious face. “How would you feel if you saw me skipping meals and withering away?”

                “Concerned.” His eyes moved up to meet Myungjun’s again.

                “I have a heart too. I’m concerned too. Please, just eat this meal if it’s the only thing you eat today.” Jinwoo felt his own heart ache at the expression Myungjun had, his lips parting without his brain having a say in it. The food entering his mouth was a foreign feeling after the past few days, and he chewed it slowly, trying to push back all the thoughts that he was going _great_ and now he had _failed_. His eyes were watering as he managed to swallow it down, burying his face in his hands and shaking with an attempt to stop his tears from coming.

                “Please, Myungjun-ssi. Please stop caring about me. Please stop making me a burden in your life. _Please_.” His body was frail as it is, and holding in the intense emotion wasn’t listening to him anymore. The bawling was filling his hands with the salty tears, the shaking subsided until his sobs were harder. “I don’t want to be the reason you stop shining so brightly.”

                But Myungjun didn’t answer, he just moved his arm over to pull Jinwoo closer, setting the plate on the bedside table and rubbing his back as he cried. “I’m not going to leave you, punk.”

***

                He didn’t want to admit it, but he felt that his heart wanted Myungjun to stay with him. He knew from the moment he met Myungjun, that it would be difficult to part. Because when you find someone that makes you think _what if I didn’t die?_ it’s someone important to hold on to them. Myungjun was staying over that night, and he decided to sleep on the bed with him. He wanted to scoot closer and put his arm around him, but Jinwoo was distant. Myungjun understood, it was a hard day for him, and pouring out his feelings any more than the crying was unrealistic. It was late now, the hour hitting eleven soon. Myungjun wasn’t a night person, apparently, since he had gone to bed at eight to “be ready for the next day”. He was a surprisingly sound sleeper, though, even if he did wiggle around before he fell asleep. Jinwoo had managed to get his studying done while Myungjun was quiet, and crawled into bed at ten.

                But now that the room was dark and the moonlight was pooling on the sheets and Myungjun’s face, it was hard to sleep. Maybe Myungjun wasn’t sunshine, maybe he was just a beacon of light. Even with the moonlight he was bright, the soft breaths he let out mesmerizing. Jinwoo didn’t deserve to be this close.

                “Myungjun-ssi?” He whispered lowly, making sure he was sleeping. “Thank you for being my first friend. You’re so persistent, but I appreciate it more than you know.” He moved a hand to hover over Myungjun’s cheek, blocking the moonlight and softly smiling. His hand moved down slightly, touching the skin and feeling the warmth of his sunshine filling his veins and making it impossible to move his hand back. “I think I wanna try and make this work.”

                His eyes fluttered closed, his thumb moving softly against his cheek and tucking his face into the pillow. Maybe he could focus all of his energy on Myungjun and let himself actually be at little selfish for once, maybe he would stop being such a weight on everyone. After all, he hadn’t made any progress lately, especially with his therapist knowing he wasn’t getting better. He had to force himself into recovery, it seemed, and Myungjun was the most comfortable way to do that.

***

                “You want to go with me...? To the therapists?”

                “I met your family, didn’t I? We’re basically dating aren’t we?” Myungjun tucked the flower into the soil, patting the tiny petals and filling in the dirt around it.

                “ _Dating_?” Jinwoo looked up from his plant incredulously. “What do you mean?”

                “Well, remember when I slept over, like, yesterday?” He blew air to move his bangs out of the way, eventually giving up and running the dirty hands through the hair. “Well I heard you say I was your first friend, and since we’re already so old, that means we’re basically going to get married.”

                Jinwoo just stared at him, unable to even answer. “I have an appointment today.”

                “Oh, good! Should I bring a gift?” Jinwoo shook his head quickly, but Myungjun was already gathering the flowers. He tried to convince him that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but an hour later they were walking to the office with a bundle of marigolds. “Do you think he’ll like them? I want to impress him.”

                Myungjun was stranger the more he talked to him, but the fact that he was actually bringing flowers to his therapist’s appointment. He watched the boy bounce down the sidewalk, his backpack swinging as he got distracted by every little thing. Jinwoo was actually pretty sure he wasn’t even allowed to come to his appointment, and if he was he would have to stay in the waiting room. He didn’t have the heart to break it to him, though, especially when he broke his thoughts to see him handing a flower to a little kid.

                The door opened loudly, the receptionist looking started for a second time that month. She smiled at the rambunctious boy nonetheless, definitely surprised to see someone like him with Jinwoo. Don’t worry Miss Receptionist, Jinwoo was surprised too. Myungjun gave her a grin and went up to the counter, glancing back to watch Jinwoo catch up. “Um, hello. I’m here for my appointment.”

                “Sign in, please.” She handed him the sign in sheet and he wrote his name down carefully, Myungjun watching him like this was the most interesting thing in the world.

                “Do _I_ sign in?” She blinked, looking Myungjun over again and smiling awkwardly at Jinwoo. “You can always cross it out when I leave.” Jinwoo handed the paper to Myungjun, a quick signature adoring the line before he handed it back. “Thank you!”

                Jinwoo patted his shoulder to indicate it was time to go in, and waited until he had taken a few steps before he took out his Myungjun Journal and bit his lip. Would it be weird that he had a journal about him? It wasn’t really Jinwoo’s choice, he _had_ to do it, he didn’t even want to. It was totally normal that he enjoyed it though – it was a lot better than hating it and making it a chore. His hands gripped the worn edges, slowly entering the familiar room and sitting down in his regular spot. Myungjun had pulled up a chair next to him and was practically bouncing with excitement.

                They met eyes and Myungjun gave him a smile that filled his insides with cotton candy, the shaking in his hands stopping immediately. With that instant calm-down, his therapist walked in. He had an eyebrow cocked, looking up from his clipboard at the sunshine boy, then at Jinwoo. “Jinwoo, you do know that no one else is allowed-”

                “This is Myungjun-ah.” Jinwoo’s hand moved to Myungjun’s instinctively, but drew back when he realized Myungjun had stood up and held a hand out. That was weird, he reminded himself, he shouldn’t do that.              

                “Hello! I’m Kim Myungjun. I’m from Nowon and I’m eighteen years old.” He shook the therapist’s hand enthusiastically, sitting down immediately and keeping his florescent grin. The therapist took a seat, glancing over the pair again before writing a few things down. It was silent for another minute, Myungjun growing restless and playing with the edge of his shirt. “I’m Jinwoo’s best friend. We’re basically dating, and I already set the wedding. It’s going to have a cupcake stand instead of cake, though, but you’re still invited. As long as you can dance, that is.”

                Jinwoo felt his face flush at the idea of a wedding, his hands moving to the red pooling in his fingers. Sure, he had mentioned dating (which Jinwoo did _not_ approve of) but a wedding was an entirely different idea. His therapist just smiled though. “Jinwoo, do you have your journal?” He paused, looking over at Myungjun and giving pleading eyes to the therapist. He didn’t change his expression.

                 “Oh. Yes.” He took it out, upside down in an attempt to hide the name, until Myungjun leaned over and peeked under the book.

                “Myung…Journal. Myungjun. Myungjun Journal?” He sat upright. “You have a journal all about me?” Jinwoo opened his mouth to defend himself but was cut off. “That’s so cute! I can’t believe you’ve been admiring me for that long. Hey, Mr. Therapist, what does Jinwoo come here for anyway?”

                “Depression, some eating disorders, but that’s linked to the depression. Suicidal thoughts, anxiety.” He handed Myungjun Jinwoo’s clipboard, a tracker of his progress giving a good indication of how Jinwoo was doing. Coincidentally, his mood and progress increased once Myungjun had transferred to the school, more excitement and focus on what he was interested in. At the time, what he was interested in was only Myungjun. Still, it was a step, and a big one, and recovery was definitely on the horizon. Myungjun read over the sheet a few more times before sitting back and nodding slowly.

                “Can I help?” His voice was a lot quieter now. “I wanna help Jinwoo recover.”

                “Well, good news Mr. Myungjun.” The therapist chuckled, taking the journal and flipping through a few pages. “You already are! Jinwoo looks like he’s projected to drop his weekly appointments to monthly in, say, the next appointment? I think this was enough for today, actually. Let’s schedule next weeks.”

                They all stood up, Myungjun’s lip trembling as he stuck a hand out for him. “I’ll be Jinwoo’s healing sunshine.”

***

                “That’s it! You’re gonna smile at three people today. No ifs, ands, or buts.” Myungjun paused for a moment. “Unless it’s mine.”

                Jinwoo’s smile accidentally came out at that comment. Myungjun squished his cheeks and giggled. He was helping him a lot, slowly getting him used to touch and showing emotion again. It was a very painful process at first, Jinwoo reeling away from any contact, but now he had managed to allow Myungjun to pat him and his face. He tried holding hands a few times but that was where he drew the line. Not only was it too intimate, he was sure it would harm Myungjun’s reputation too.

                Today, though, Myungjun made a mission for Jinwoo. If he could smile at three people – saying hi being optional – he would buy him ice cream for the rest of the semester. The semester was still young-ish and there was no reason to pass up even one ice cream, so he decided to take the challenge. It wasn’t like he was particularly against talking to other people, he just felt like too much of a burden to try and put himself into someone else’s life. Plus, they all had their friend groups and schedule, Jinwoo was sure he didn’t fit in that. Myungjun reminded him that even with Jinwoo’s schedule, Myungjun made his way into it.

                Maybe he was right, Jinwoo told himself as he saw his classmate walking towards him in the hallway. Maybe it wasn’t as scary as Jinwoo thought it was. The boy grew closer and Jinwoo mustered up a smile, letting out a faint “hello” as he walked by. The boy looked started but smiled back, waving a little as he kept walking. Jinwoo felt his heart beat out of his chest, he had to take a moment to stop and grip his shirt in fear of exploding right then. _He smiled back!_ Jinwoo started walking again, hurrying back to the class with his and Myungjun’s drinks gripped tightly in his hand, _He wasn’t annoyed by him!_

                He opened the classroom door and sat down shakily, the giddiness inside him something fresh and new, excitement being entirely off his radar for years. Unless, of course, anxiety counted. He waited patiently for Myungjun, unable to keep a smile off his face unless he focused his eyes on his desk. Finally, Myungjun walked in with another guy, saying bye and sitting down in front of Jinwoo with a curious expression.

                “You look like you’re gonna burst, you okay?” At that, Jinwoo’s face broke into a smile and he covered it with his hands. “Woah! What’s that about?”

                “I haven’t smiled in so long, Myungjun-ah.” His voice was shaky and his cheeks were hot, this kind of personal moment being incredibly embarrassing. “I said hi to a classmate.”

                Myungjun reached over and ruffled Jinwoo’s hair, a tiny flinch expected, but instead Jinwoo leaned in like a puppy, his hands still covering his face in embarrassment. “Two to go!”

                Jinwoo wished he had given him a little more than a head pat, but he still listened to him and walked out with him after class, gripping his books until his knuckles were white. It was scary to say hello, but a little less scary when Myungjun was there. After all, he was his sunshine and he was always there to support him. It made him wonder if he would ever abandon him like his first friends, finding the depression and not wanting to go out a turn off. Then again, when Myungjun nudged him as a classmate came down the hall, he was sure that he truly cared about him.

                He said hello to the last two people easier than the first, instantly looking at Myungjun for reassurance. This was a tough road but he was lucky to have someone so genuinely invested. Especially when he told him they were going out for ice cream right after.

                “You worked hard today! I bet your therapist will be so proud.” Myungjun swung his legs on the bench, tossing the wrapper in the trash and standing back up. It was a secret break, he had told Jinwoo, because they were _supposed to_ be watering the plants. But it was okay, because they would go back. Jinwoo stood up too, licking the dripping side and biting his lip. He was smiling a lot today.

                “I didn’t do it for my therapist.” He turned his head away as he smiled for the nth time that day. “I did it because you wanted me to.”

                “Ah, really? I want you to rob a bank then.” He grinned and dodged Jinwoo’s hand as he tried to smack his shoulder. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Don’t hurt me. Jokes aside, I’m proud of you, you’ve worked hard and even when I saw you getting anxious you would calm down enough to do it.”

                “Do you think I can get better, Myungjun-ah?” He finished his ice cream now, crumbling the wrapper in his fist. “I’ve been sick for so long, it seems strange to imagine me recovering.”

                Myungjun looked at Jinwoo with a little sadness, his hand moving to tangle in Jinwoo’s and swing their arms. Jinwoo really wanted to pull away, but he let it happen. “I think you’re already recovered, but your mind is just catching up.”

                A little hope goes a long way, Jinwoo thought to himself.

***

                “Jinwoo, hello. What are you doing here?” Jinwoo stood in the doorway of his therapist’s office, a few weeks after Myungjun’s missions, his head cocking to the side at the question.

                “I’m here for my appointment?”

                “Jinwoo.” The therapist looked equally confused. “You’re done with treatment.” His jaw slacked and he frowned. He sure didn’t remember finishing his therapy, and if he had then he would definitely never forget it. He paused, trying to let his therapist have his comedic timing before saying ‘just kidding’, but his head remained in his notebook and he didn’t tell him anything else.

                “Are you serious? Am I really done?” Jinwoo took a photograph of his therapist nodding with his mind and booked it, running out of his office and down the street. He had waited for this day for more than _five years_ , and he had finally done it. He had finally recovered enough, and he felt the wind move through his hair in a hurry, the soft sunlight reassuring him that it was real, today was truly happening, and he had finally done it. The door to his house was slammed open, his mother looking up from the table with a started expression. “Mom.” He choked out the word, not even realizing the tears were streaming down his face. “Mom, I’m done with therapy.”

                His mother got up so quickly the chair fell behind her, but she didn’t notice since she rushed to Jinwoo and wrapped her arms around him tightly, both of them sobbing together. It was a good kind of cry, though, because Jinwoo could feel the relief and love soaking him along with the tears. And when his dad came downstairs and pulled them into a hug too, he felt like he was surrounded with pride.

                After another five minutes, they parted and Jinwoo grabbed his mother’s shoulders, looking her dead in the eyes. “Mom. Do you kiss people you’re in love with?” His mother nodded, hiding her smile under her hand as she watched Jinwoo scramble back out of the door, aggressively wiping the tear stains off his cheeks and sprinting to Myungjun’s house. He paced around his porch and took out the phone that had three contacts (his mom, dad, and Myungjun) and called him.

                “Hello?”

                “Come outside, please. And quickly.” He hung up before he could answer, biting his lip as he waited for Myungjun to come out. Despite it being a Saturday afternoon, Myungjun came outside with messy hair and pajama pants on, a t-shirt wrinkled and making Jinwoo stunned for a moment.

                “Jinwoo? What’s going on?”

                “I…” His throat went dry for a moment. “I want to kiss you.”

                “You want to _what_?” Jinwoo waited until he walked off the porch to place his hands on Myungjun’s cheeks and pressing their foreheads together.

                “When I talked about you first, my therapist mentioned that I might like you.” His eyes focused on the ground. “I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to like anyone, especially not someone who was such a sunshine boy. I didn’t want to be in love with someone I could never match.”

                “But then I went to therapy and I couldn’t get you out of my mind, you were just always there, always smiling at me when I needed it desperately, always being so kind to me when I didn’t deserve it. Always looking at me like a person, not an idiot or a loser. And I found out today that I’m done with therapy, and I realized that it was all because of you. You inspired me to want to exist again, Myungjun-ah.”

                Myungjun placed his hands on Jinwoo’s cheeks too, and started sprinkling smooches all over his face, a soft smile highlighting the features that had been engraved in his eyes for what seemed like ages. It was an easy moment, a peachy blush making Jinwoo heat up too. He covered Jinwoo’s eyes with his hand and pressed his lips against his, just a light brush but with so much warmth and feeling that Jinwoo felt like every story book about kisses was a lie, there was nothing harsh about it like fireworks, it was just a comforting feeling of being okay and being loved. Myungjun drew back his hand and ran back to his porch, leaving the door open for Jinwoo to come in, a faint call about fresh cookies.

                There’s nothing immediate about recovery, there’s nothing that guarantees that he won’t relapse. But if he did, he was sure that with Myungjun at his side, there was nothing in the world he couldn’t take on.

**Author's Note:**

> as a disclaimer and a personal note to all of you who read this,  
> mental illness is not a joke, a fad, or a trend. it's not something you should seek out or make fun of (ex. wow i'm so depressed because ____ isn't having a comeback for another month). i also would like to reiterate that depression and eating disorders are very difficult to deal with and SHOULD NOT BE DELT WITH ALONE. as you can see, Jinwoo had the support of his entire family and still was struggling. if you identified with how Jinwoo was feeling, please talk to your family, the school nurse, or someone close to you. but don't leave it there, if it's serious there's no shame in seeking help. this is not to romanticize mental illness because i think that's a lot of crap. please, take care of yourselves and remember there is nothing fun about mental illness but you aren't alone in how you feel and there is recovery available for you!  
> this is more of a vent piece so it's kind of personal. anyway, i hope you enjoyed it even if it was intense!! sweetheart suite will give you the fluff to recover :) lots of smooches to all of u<3  
> hit me (up) at [@starrybinu](https://starrybinu.tumblr.com)


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